3 months, 4 days. The is the number of days since I lost Nicolas. The pain doesn't change only shifts and morphs into something new. I don't want to hurt anymore, but grief knows no boundaries and grips you tightly when you least expect it. The tender touch of a newborns skin and the soft smell of a baby's breath coats my mind. I joined a writer's group/class at the end of March to help me find my voice, the voice of a mother. Not just to Nicolas, but my two girls who mean everything to me. But through this writing, grief found me once again. So I write, to help and to heal the heart that was torn a part on a day where many others were celebrating new year with new resolutions. My resolve...work on me, make me stronger, and find more meaning in life than what I felt at the beginning of the year. Finish things that need to get done, make new goals, dream big.
Empty
Silence
The day breaks
Dusty blue light shines through
Empty
No balloons dancing in the air to announce your arrival
Medicinal aroma fills my nose
No more worries about germs or viruses
It doesn't matter any more
You will never have a chance to be sick
Empty
People enter the room quietly
And exit quickly
The only flowers I see are on the door
Paper reminders that you are not here
Alone
No one to call
No happy news to share
Tears
Salty warm streaming down my face
Plastic bags hold memories of you
Hand prints, footprints, a lock of hair
Physical reminders to prove you were real
Empty
Empty belly, empty heart, empty arms
Wheeled down a long hallway
To a back elevator
Its time to go home
