Day 12

I can't believe how quickly time has passed since New Year's Eve.  Last week feels like a complete blur.  On Sunday I decided I needed to establish some new routines beyond taking the kids to school and picking them up.  I made a choice to go back to Crossfit and Taekwondo.  I know I don't have the official doctor's okay, but my body needed to be busy again.  I didn't want to sit idle on the couch and knew that walking would not be enough.  So I dove in to my workout on Monday.  I did almost all of the Filthy Fifty in less than 29 minutes. I know I told Bryan I was going to ease into it, but my body wanted to be pushed more.  I started off rowing 1000 meters in 4:44 minutes.  I think it helped that there was only 2 of us working out. 

My almost Filthy Fifty
50 box steps (short box)
50 jumping pull ups
50 kettle bell swings 25 lb
50 walking lunges
50 knees to elbow
50 push press 45lb bar
50 back extensions
50 wall balls 10 lb

Time 28:58

I did not do the 50 burpees or 50 double unders. I felt a little guilty, but also know that I have not done those exercises in quite some time.

Yesterday I started back at Taekwondo.  I think it was harder on my body than Crossfit.  It was also a bit sad to put on my full red uniform and tie my belt around my waist. For the longest time, my belt was snug under my belly and started looking like a bow tie.  I also stopped wearing my red uniform some time in the fall. I survived a good class with Mr. Stuart.  We went over the two forms I will need to know for black belt testing in June.

There is part of me that feels extremely guilty that my body is rebounding whereas mentally I am not rebounding.  I know that the grieving process takes time and I definitely have my moments.  It is still very painful and fresh when I have to tell people about what happened.  But I also want to be stronger and be able to talk more freely about Nicolas and the pregnancy so that I can possibly help others who face the same diagnosis. 

As part of of my recovery, I would like to go on a mother writer's retreat at the end of February.  Not only do I want to write about Nicolas and what the pregnancy did for our family, but also finish the pesky Master's paper that seems to forever haunt me.  The biggest obstacle for the retreat is the cost.  I am not sure how I can afford any extra expenses while on leave from work.  I do plan on returning to work on the 31st of January.  I know I could take more time, but also feel that I need to get back to work.  Financially we need the money and I also know I might get a little stir crazy at home. 

Many questions still linger in my head.  I wonder if I could have prevented the still birth or if the doctors knew something and didn't share the information.  That last appointment on December 28th still bugs me because it seemed like a big mishap and no one bothered to correct the issues. It makes you wonder why.  Why did Bryan and I have to hold the heart rate monitor so tightly on my belly? Why did they not reposition it? What was my real AFI score because 19.75 cm was certainly not correct. You think that they would have rechecked that after realizing it was wrong. Like I said so many unanswered questions that I will never have answers for. I think that is why I am having difficulties processing my grief at the moment. I think that is why I have such a strong desire to write about my pregnancy.

Today I wasn't sure if I was going to workout.  Again, my mind was feeling guilty about the body being able to workout.  I went despite my anxiety.  I started with a nice 500 meter row and then moved onto the warm up.

20 turkish get ups
50 kettle bell swings 15lbs
20 push ups
50 overhead squats with the body bar

I think the best part of the workout was when we started punching the bags.  It felt extremely good to beat the crap out of something.  I punched hard and strong on the bag.  As I punched I found myself fighting back tears.  My emotions were raging.  I needed that release.  We then started the actual WOD which was

4 Rounds
7 Knees to elbows
7 Toes to bar
10 leg raises
20 toe touches
20 V-sits
30 Sit ups
30 Russian Twists
40 Back Extensions

I wondered if I had bit of more than I could chew and was hesitant about the intensity of this workout on my core.  I managed through entire workout, all four rounds with only a slight modification to the v-sits.  My time was 28:52.  Mr. Tony and Kenny helped push me through the different exercises and keep going.  I think my almost 3 years of Crossfit training changed my mindset about things.  Sometimes I think I am a bit OCD on the working out thing, but also know how good I feel afterwards.  My recovery is bittersweet.  I miss my Buddha belly and the little guy that filled it.  But I am also thankful for a strong body and mind that will help me recover.  I miss Nicolas and still wish that we could have met him alive even if for a short time.  We all loved him dearly.  I can only hope that maybe in time we will get another opportunity for another child.  To make the girls big sisters once again and Nicolas a big brother.  I don't know if that opportunity will be there for Bryan and I.  So much unknown at this point and both of us are not getting any younger.  Time will tell.  It took over a year for Nicolas after two losses.  It sucks when you want something so bad only to have it taken away from you three times. I know Bryan would be a fantastic father. He has already shown that with the girls and Nicolas.  We will have to wait and see what God has in store for us next...

One week ago

I can't believe it has already been a week since we lost Nicolas.  The hurt and pain is still very real and deep.  We had a beautiful memorial service this evening.  Here are some of the things we had to say about our dear little boy Nicolas.

From me (Natalie)
God and Nicolas had a plan. As a family we may have hoped for a different one, but we are at peace with the path that he and God chose.  Nicolas was a special gift who constantly reminded me of his presence through the bumps and swirls in my belly.  Nicolas radiated love as evident through my beautiful pregnancy glow.  Through 3D ultrasounds from Bella Angel Imaging and Sustaining Grace we were able to learn about our little boy and watch his antics.  We knew that he loved to suck on his left thumb and constantly played in his big bubble.

We didn’t expect Nicolas to arrive so early, and were devastated when we learned that his heart no longer beat.  As our nurse so gently told us, Nicolas had New Years Eve plans.  Nicolas and God had created the perfect plan where Bryan and I could take the time to bring him into this world without chaos.

Even with as much sadness as we felt, we shared a few laughs with the nurses as well.  When my water broke, Bryan and I heard a loud pop and watched as I flooded the bed.  The nurses had never seen so much fluid and we all laughed as we tried to clean things up.  Nicolas arrived into our world at 10 minutes to 10 just before the new year.  Just as we had seen in the womb, he was born with his left thumb secure in his precious mouth.  Nicolas looked like a little dark haired Bryan.  I am still amazed at his full head of beautiful dark hair.

The nurses at Abbott Northwestern Hospital knew we loved our special boy and made sure that he was treated with kindness and respect.  The nurses helped bathe his little body and brought us adorable outfits.  They cared for him after we were physically drained and adored our little boy into the wee hours of the morning.

I truly believe God has a plan for all of us and although the plan for Nicolas may not have been the plan we wanted, I now see the beauty in it all.  Nicolas was with us as we built many beautiful memories within our lives.  We will always have our own little St. Nicolas at Christmas and celebrate his birth into Heaven every New Year’s Eve.  The start of a new year allows for healing and renewal in our faith and love for one another.

We were forever blessed with a beautiful child.
Nicolas, “you're so much more than I ever dreamed. This is forever I believe”

From Bryan

The alter. Quilt donated from Minneapolis Childrens Hospital

Although Nicolas is no longer with us he will always live on in our hearts forever.  I am so proud of Natalie and the way she has dealt with things along the way from the initial diagnosis of Trisomy 18 she never complained once, she was proud to be carrying Nicolas.  Even though she was pregnant she would always make sure that there was food on the table for the girls and I when we would be getting home from work and other activities always putting our needs before her.  I will miss hearing Natalie say that was a good one or Nicolas didn't want to go to sleep last night and kept me up till midnight, I will also miss sitting on the couch with her and feeling the punches or head butts that Nicolas was doing inside. 

I had many plans for Nicolas and a few were teaching him how to ride a bike, throw a football or baseball and taking him to his first Twins games I will always treasure those memories in my heart of what I was going to do with him.

Once again I am so proud of Natalie and the girls on how they have handled everything that has been thrown at them.  I love them all very much.

33 Roses....One for each week of life.

 Noelle read the following poem
 
Memories
Author Unknown
If we could have a lifetime wish
A dream that would come true,
We'd pray to God with all our hearts
For yesterday and You.

A thousand words can't bring you back
We know because we've tried....
Neither will a thousand tears
We know because we've cried....

You left behind our broken hearts
And happy memories too....
But we never wanted memories

We only wanted YOU

Nicolas' hat and teddy was a present from Jena to me

Jena read this poem
An Angel Never Dies
Author Unknown

Don't let them say, I wasn't born
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave
I've loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn't mean I'm gone.
This world was worthy, not, of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face.
You have my word, I'll fill your arms
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was "meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes"
But that won't soften your worst blow..
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
another child you'll bear.
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you'll understand.

Although, I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes..
That doesn't mean I never "was"
An Angel Never Dies........
~Unknown

Hand and foot prints of our precious boy

Our walk has ended...

Nicolas Norman Miller

Born into Heaven

December 31, 2010

On Friday, December 31^st our precious baby boy Nicolas was born into heaven.  Even though we knew Nicolas faced tough odds of making it to term because of his Trisomy 18, we hoped and prayed he would.  We are deeply saddened by this loss and miss him dearly.  He was a part of our family and touched our hearts.  We cherish the memories of our beautiful 2 pound 14 ounce baby and know he is in good hands.

Please understand that we need time to settle in to our lives without Nicolas.  Although we have our sad moments, our family is very strong.  God gave us a very special little boy and for that we are forever thankful. 

A small private memorial will be held to honor Nicolas.  In lieu of flowers or gifts to our family, we kindly ask for memorial donations to be offered in his name to the organizations that supported our family with such love and respect. 

Prenatal Partners for Life

SustainingGrace.org

Church of St. Raphael, Crystal, MN

St. Barnabas, Plymouth, MN

Abbott Northwestern Hospital

We appreciate everyone who has been supportive throughout the situation.

Hug and kiss those close to your heart today.

Natalie, Bryan, Noelle & Jena