Day 12

I can't believe how quickly time has passed since New Year's Eve.  Last week feels like a complete blur.  On Sunday I decided I needed to establish some new routines beyond taking the kids to school and picking them up.  I made a choice to go back to Crossfit and Taekwondo.  I know I don't have the official doctor's okay, but my body needed to be busy again.  I didn't want to sit idle on the couch and knew that walking would not be enough.  So I dove in to my workout on Monday.  I did almost all of the Filthy Fifty in less than 29 minutes. I know I told Bryan I was going to ease into it, but my body wanted to be pushed more.  I started off rowing 1000 meters in 4:44 minutes.  I think it helped that there was only 2 of us working out. 

My almost Filthy Fifty
50 box steps (short box)
50 jumping pull ups
50 kettle bell swings 25 lb
50 walking lunges
50 knees to elbow
50 push press 45lb bar
50 back extensions
50 wall balls 10 lb

Time 28:58

I did not do the 50 burpees or 50 double unders. I felt a little guilty, but also know that I have not done those exercises in quite some time.

Yesterday I started back at Taekwondo.  I think it was harder on my body than Crossfit.  It was also a bit sad to put on my full red uniform and tie my belt around my waist. For the longest time, my belt was snug under my belly and started looking like a bow tie.  I also stopped wearing my red uniform some time in the fall. I survived a good class with Mr. Stuart.  We went over the two forms I will need to know for black belt testing in June.

There is part of me that feels extremely guilty that my body is rebounding whereas mentally I am not rebounding.  I know that the grieving process takes time and I definitely have my moments.  It is still very painful and fresh when I have to tell people about what happened.  But I also want to be stronger and be able to talk more freely about Nicolas and the pregnancy so that I can possibly help others who face the same diagnosis. 

As part of of my recovery, I would like to go on a mother writer's retreat at the end of February.  Not only do I want to write about Nicolas and what the pregnancy did for our family, but also finish the pesky Master's paper that seems to forever haunt me.  The biggest obstacle for the retreat is the cost.  I am not sure how I can afford any extra expenses while on leave from work.  I do plan on returning to work on the 31st of January.  I know I could take more time, but also feel that I need to get back to work.  Financially we need the money and I also know I might get a little stir crazy at home. 

Many questions still linger in my head.  I wonder if I could have prevented the still birth or if the doctors knew something and didn't share the information.  That last appointment on December 28th still bugs me because it seemed like a big mishap and no one bothered to correct the issues. It makes you wonder why.  Why did Bryan and I have to hold the heart rate monitor so tightly on my belly? Why did they not reposition it? What was my real AFI score because 19.75 cm was certainly not correct. You think that they would have rechecked that after realizing it was wrong. Like I said so many unanswered questions that I will never have answers for. I think that is why I am having difficulties processing my grief at the moment. I think that is why I have such a strong desire to write about my pregnancy.

Today I wasn't sure if I was going to workout.  Again, my mind was feeling guilty about the body being able to workout.  I went despite my anxiety.  I started with a nice 500 meter row and then moved onto the warm up.

20 turkish get ups
50 kettle bell swings 15lbs
20 push ups
50 overhead squats with the body bar

I think the best part of the workout was when we started punching the bags.  It felt extremely good to beat the crap out of something.  I punched hard and strong on the bag.  As I punched I found myself fighting back tears.  My emotions were raging.  I needed that release.  We then started the actual WOD which was

4 Rounds
7 Knees to elbows
7 Toes to bar
10 leg raises
20 toe touches
20 V-sits
30 Sit ups
30 Russian Twists
40 Back Extensions

I wondered if I had bit of more than I could chew and was hesitant about the intensity of this workout on my core.  I managed through entire workout, all four rounds with only a slight modification to the v-sits.  My time was 28:52.  Mr. Tony and Kenny helped push me through the different exercises and keep going.  I think my almost 3 years of Crossfit training changed my mindset about things.  Sometimes I think I am a bit OCD on the working out thing, but also know how good I feel afterwards.  My recovery is bittersweet.  I miss my Buddha belly and the little guy that filled it.  But I am also thankful for a strong body and mind that will help me recover.  I miss Nicolas and still wish that we could have met him alive even if for a short time.  We all loved him dearly.  I can only hope that maybe in time we will get another opportunity for another child.  To make the girls big sisters once again and Nicolas a big brother.  I don't know if that opportunity will be there for Bryan and I.  So much unknown at this point and both of us are not getting any younger.  Time will tell.  It took over a year for Nicolas after two losses.  It sucks when you want something so bad only to have it taken away from you three times. I know Bryan would be a fantastic father. He has already shown that with the girls and Nicolas.  We will have to wait and see what God has in store for us next...