Will my life ever be normal?

I expect that one day I will feel a sense of normalcy about my life, but currently that is not the situation.  Yesterday's appointment was a fiasco and perplexing.  I had a shocking realization of how you need to be absolutely sure on what your appointments are for and what the doctor is thinking about.  I went into ANW expecting an amnioreduction because that is what I thought I was told I needed only to find out that I was scheduled for another BPP to see how things were doing and if necessitated, a reduction.  I am still in shock over the situation and left feeling a little dismayed at how things were handled.  As part of the BPP, I have the heart rate and contraction straps attached to my belly to monitor Nicolas' heart rate and any contractions I may be having similar to the monitoring you would receive in labor.  As the straps were attached and I was thrown back in the chair, I realized that they were not going to get a good reading.  I tried to adjust accordingly, but it didn't work. I was uncomfortable and had to forcefully hold the heart rate monitor with constant pressure to my belly to track Nicolas' heart rate.  After several long minutes, someone finally addressed the situation because the Dr. was noticing the erratic behavior on their screens.  Bryan and I were approached about the situation and informed that because of the poor heart rate strip that they were considering admitting me for further monitoring.  They also mentioned that the dips could be indications that Nicolas was not doing well, but could not be certain because of the Trisomy 18.  Sitting there I was a little shocked because they also indicated that given a normal situation if the monitoring continued as such then I would be faced with an emergency C-section.

I personally was not getting why they could adjust the strap or try a better position.  The doctor decided to go ahead with the second part of testing which is the ultrasound to check Nicolas and the amniotic fluid.  Again, could anything be anymore confusing.  The tech that did the measurements found an AFI of 19.75 which was obviously wrong.  Did she notice the belly on me?  I measure 45 inches round. The good news was that Nicolas although having fallen asleep from his previous antics, was moving well and showed signs that he was practicing his breathing. His score was 8 out of 8 which is better than previous tests.  During the ultrasound I was placed on my right side and was reattached to the heart rate monitoring.  As I laid there on my side, Nicolas held a steady heart rate and didn't have the fluctuations as the previous test.  I have to wonder why on earth would they ever have laid me on my back.  That is not normal by any means. You are always told to not lay on your back when you are pregnant because you can cut off blood and oxygen supplies.

In any case, we left the hospital with some things to consider.  The doctor, who I have seen before, wanted us to consider the level and amount of monitoring we would like from here to the end.  Essentially, possibly not doing any more BPP because the normal approach is if there are dips like we saw yesterday then I would be headed in for an emergency c-section.  A c-section is not high on my priority list like most women and I fear not only being cut open, but the road to recovery thereafter.  I also still believe in the idea that God has a plan for us and to let things happen as He intended.

I think Nicolas is a very strong baby and I have done everything possible to make this pregnancy healthy for him.  I exercise, eat right (most of the time), and take all sorts of vitamins and supplements that are good for both of us. I am constantly told by the nurses how amazed they are by how well I am doing given everything. My body feels strong and I don't feel like labor is going to start any day soon. Nicolas has his daily patterns and is definitely "happier" when I am in my regular routine.  We are in tune with each other.  I can tell on my off days or weekends that he is out of sync.  If something is wrong, I will know or sense it. I think all mothers have that ability. 

Yesterday was a learning experience for both Bryan and I.  First, we have to make some considerations on how we would like to continue monitoring the pregnancy.  We need to decided if the BPP are the right choice and what benefit the test provides given the circumstances if we are trying to avoid any type of emergency c-section.  We also need to question the doctors and staff at the appointments and challenge their recommendations.  If we jump to quickly then what is the benefit to me and Nicolas.  Yesterday could of been one of those days we chose to jump when there was not real reason to do so. Our baby could of been born far to early and I would of ended up with an unwarranted c-section.

The next consideration is the birth plan and what we want to happen during labor, delivery, birth and thereafter.  I have started the process and hope to have it completed today.  I want to make sure that our birth plan reflects the mutual decisions that Bryan and I have made for our family.  Our choices may not be what others would choose, however, we have to do what is right for us.  We also have the right to change the plan if necessary.  Bryan and I are fully aware of the diagnosis given to our son. We understand the immediate complications he will face, but no matter what he is still our child to love and to cherish even if for a short duration of time.

Will my life ever be normal??? I think yes, some day it will feel normal.  But at the moment, I have been on a rollercoaster since June.  I have been through so much physically and emotionally that words truly cannot describe or express my life at the moment.